Depressed Me

I dont have any idea of wat to write but i really dunno wad to do now. Everyday surfing the same old websites, looking thru friendster and finding out who n who got attached/married/broke up/gave birth... blah blah blah.. Seems so meaningless...

Sometimes i ask myself wad kinda person m i. I know for myself that the impression tat i give ppl is tat im fierce and unapproachable especially when i do not knw the person well enough n also bcos im not the smiley type of person.

I'm sooooo tired of being mis-interpreted all the time. Why isit tat people tends to judge and think of me this way? I'm definitely not the type of pretencious/hypocrite kinda gal. Or wad ever ppl think of me as.

I just tends to be more quiet in big groups cos i dunno how to blend in. I'm terribly bad at making jokes or being the centre of attraction. I'm just a plain old jane being neglected in a small corner of the grp and perhaps hoping to be noticed by someone.

From pri sch to sec sch and even till poly, i've had 1 'best' gal fren in each stage of my life and every1 of them had 'betrayed' me in one way or another. 'Betrayed' might be too strong a word so let's use 'let me down'.

Yes, i've been let down by a few gals which i tot were my 'best' frens in my life as a student. I've lost trust in galfrens after so many times.

I really envy ppl who had lotsa good frens be it guys or gals. They have a grp of close buds from pri/sch/poly/uni/church/work/outside while i have nil. I dun have exactly a grp of close buds whom always hang out together.

To many ppl, i have many many frens and i'm a very happening gal who always got lotsa guys going after me, always go clubbing and have many wild nites of partying, etc etc. I dunno wad gave them this impression but this is definitely not true.

I certainly hope tat i have plenty of guys going after me SERIOUSLY so i can be chauffered ard like many gals do and i wont hafta be so broke to finance my own car and forever feeling broke and can onli look at how the gals buy branded without thinking twice while i have to tink like a 1000 times???
I believe the problem lies in me and not anyone else.

I've started working at 14 and my first time to a pub was at 15. Since then, i've went to so many different places and work at so many places. I came in touch with so many different ppl but none of them are still in touch with me today.

I know i sucks big time at keeping contact with ppl which i guess tats the reason why i'm so 'fren-less'? I know tat i'm definitely not a bad person with a sucky personality but i jus need more time to open to someone and get comfortable.

Frequency plays a part too thou i knw i shld bring myself into other ppl's world at times but alot of times, i realise i jus cant do it but im really tried.

Alot of times, i really feel like going out but i jus couldnt find company and my phone can go sooo silent for sooo long which sometimes makes me wonder if my phone is still working anot.

I guess ppl jus finds me a nasty gal so they simply are not interested to be frens with me. I really really hoped to be loved and cared for. Afterall, im jus a plain old jane bt i guess i jus dun give ppl a nice impression so nobody asks me out.

But, im thankful for tat handful number of frens whom realli sat down n talk with me. I know who they are deep inside my heart and i should really thank them for being my fren.

Not forgetting my 2 ex-bf, Ivan and Joseph as well as current one Tim, who really cared for me. Despite Joseph whom was a bastard cos he has a wife but sometimes, as i tink back, i wld say tat he really once cared very much for me.

I've talked abt Ivan for a zillion times and ppl who knows me well enuff will knw he's the first guy i really loved. We spend alot of times together and we also talk alot. (Therefore, i'm NOT tat a quiet person afterall.) We talk anywhere and everywhere.

We used to walk back his home after movie at Tiong Bahru Plaza. The journey in fact aint short but seems short to us. We talked in bed before gg to slp. Basically, we reali talk anywhere and evrywhere.

A splendid guy which i thank god for making him once part of my life. I've nv need to worry abt anything when i'm with him. I get to buy wadever i want (not branded thou). My first diamond was from him as well thou i tink i might have lost it while throwing away an old cupboard recently!! TMD
Nevertheless, he really knew me well and taught me alot of tings in life which i still rber now.

Moving on to Joseph, in the past when i was working nightlife, he will come fetch me home 95% of the times. Even after i rch home, we will spend hours talkin in the car until lik 4+am and he will go to work the next day while i slp all the way!!

Being the sorta person who is plain lazy to go buy food, he will at times buy food and deliver to my place before going bac to work.

When i go clubbing, he will wake up from his slp and come fetch me home. Sometimes, when i need to go a certain place tat is inaccessible, he will fetch me there.

He buys me things tat i like too. My little diamond ring, ipod mini and DKNY watch are from him. I did buy him a few shirts as well thou. 80% of the expenses when we are out are on him as well.

In general, our r/s is spent mostly on the car and its also how we build up on our communication.

Currently, im seeing Tim. Even though i've known him for abt 2 yrs, its onli recently tat we got closer. The 3rd guy in my life whom i talk so much with. I simply rant to him everything though sometimes, he may not understand wad m i talking abt.

He simply pamper me so much tat we nv had a meal below $30 and i've nv spent a single cent when i'm with him. Partly oso bcos im so broke this few mths due to a new job transition. =(

Alot may wonder y i gave up the guys who were so nice to me. I'm glad i've nv been ditched in my life before which i reckon perhaps they reali find me a sincere geniune gal(which i tink so!! cos im jus so real in front of them and doing all the totally un-glam stuff!!)

Breaking up with Ivan was a regret. Joseph was no choice. Tim is still together thou i have doubts abt the future. haizz

I guess it realli takes a little longer more than usual before 1 can become frens with me. Perhaps tats the reason why im so 'fren-less'?

It certainly doesnt feel good like this!! But i realli feel so angry and upset with myself!!!